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WingZ · Site Admin Joined: 15 Aug 2008 Posts: 127

Contradictory Musings
An Explanation of My Interest in Diapers

Foreword
As just about any type of moral analysis will show, we are all, to one extent or another, contradictory beings. That is to say, we do both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things; things which pertain to one direction as well as things that pertain to the other. Despite accepting and even allowing for this, many of us have come to expect some form of consistency in our behavior. We would find it hard to believe that a seasoned prizefighter would be capable of great compassion and emotional sensitivity or that a grandmother would speak frankly and vulgarly about sex. This behavior, partially due to a less than complete understanding on our part of the people behind the roles, strikes us as contradictory. We do not accept it, and, in some cases, we may wish to physically stomp it out.

Never are our attitudes towards contradictory behavior more clear than within the realm of attraction. It is perceived by some to be a hallowed, sacred, deeply personal ground and by others to be almost toxic in its bawdiness. In either case, it is rarely treaded upon and viewed with suspicion (and sometimes fervid interest) from afar. What we like and why we like it is one of the great conundrums of human history, and our thousands of years of existence has brought us not an inch closer to any kind of understanding.

Take, for example, two men with an interest in wearing women’s clothing. One is of a thin build, mild-mannered, a loner and only mildly successful. The other is strong, athletic, prominent and married. Why do we find our attitude towards the behavior of one to be more permissive than the behavior of another?

In attempting to answer this question, I have chosen to explore the realm of diapers and age play. This differs from other fetishes in the sense that it may (and often does) involve components that are not strictly sexual. Physical comfort as well as emotional catharsis are the draws for many diaper-lovers and infantilists. While the reasons behind and rituals of this practice can be approached generally from a variety of perspectives, I have chosen to go in depth. Thus, what I write about speaks not for all but merely for me. It will (and I am quite sure this dismays would-be critics) be a partial exploration at best and I hope that readers are able to take something from this, whether that something is understanding, empathy, awe…or even disgust.

Practice
The practice that I will focus on most intently throughout this essay is that of diaper-wearing. By this, I mean the wearing of diapers or protective undergarments for reasons other than a medical need. It should be noted, however, that some who need to wear diapers also want to as well and should thus be included as part of this practice. It would not be wise to include those who wear diapers involuntarily with no medical pretext, as that may be considered a form of abuse.

Those who practice diaper-wearing (hereto after to be known as Diaper Lovers of DLs) may do so for a variety of reasons (to be explained later) and in a variety of ways. For some, diaper-wearing refers to just that: the wearing of diapers. This may, or may not include, the use of diapers for bodily functions (urination, defecation, masturbation, etc).

In many cases, this practice is not limited to the wearing of diapers alone. Bibs, bottles and baby clothes may also accompany, each with their own reason and purpose. Those who incorporate these “add-ons” fall under the mantle of Adult Babies (AB’s). Subdivisions within the AB realm include “sissy” babies (males who are dressed as babified females) and adult toddlers.

This practice may not also be limited to the mere use of these items. For some, pleasure is derived only when they believe they are what they pretend to be. DL X, for example, might be content just to wear diapers, while AB Y might only be content if they were checked, powdered and changed, just as an actual baby would be. This part of the practice is known as infantilism. It incorporates a form of age play, which extends out into the broader realm of role-play. The practice may also include elements of BDSM (a baby/slave-daddy/master relationship; spanking as a punishment, etc), transgender (sissy babies) and a whole plethora of other fetishes as well.

The final component of the practice is what can be best described as an admirer role. Just as there are those who take pleasure in being diapered, there are those who take pleasure in seeing others in diapers. They may or may not also take pleasure in administering to an AB’s needs (a mommy/daddy “caretaker” role). Admirers/caretakers needn’t necessarily have any interest in wearing diapers themselves (although many do).

Were I to adhere to any label, I would best be described as a DL. The wearing of diapers, at certain times (contingent upon my mood) brings me pleasure. The use of them does not. I find no attraction in the use of baby paraphernalia nor do I really consider myself to be anything but an adult while I am diapered. I have no desire to engage in any form of simulated (eg: via chat or e-mail) age play, thought the prospect of real age play with a caregiver/admirer does appeal to me.

I also see myself in the caregiver/admirer role. Images of diapered females I find to be enticing (while, as a byproduct of my heterosexuality, images of diapered males are not). I would also welcome the opportunity to explore an age play interaction in the caregiver role. It should be noted that I do not participate in diaper-wearing with any regularity and that most of my interest is confined to fantasy.

Reasons
“Because they are sick!” says critic. “Because cannot handle the pressures of the adult world and retreat into faux babyhood. Because otherwise, they are inadequate.”

When asked why anyone might have an interest in diapers, the above answer is infuriatingly commonplace. It is infuriating not because it is false per say (because there may or may not be some truth to it), but because it carries with it the presumption of truth without an effort for comprehension. Again, society’s attitudes towards contradictory behavior come to light. That a normal, healthy adult would want to go through the rituals of babyhood again is seen as a contradiction. It is only permissible (re: consistent) if the person is weak to begin with. But is this necessarily the case?

1. Sexual Attraction
To many, both diaper wearing and infantilism is fetishistic. The wearing of diapers (or the vision of another wearing diapers) produces arousal; ergo, diapers are worn. It would be a mistake, however, to regard the whole of this interest as mere foreplay or masturbatory fantasy. For some, the sexual component takes a make seat to other motivations. For others, it is not a factor at all.

2. Physical Comfort
An infant’s skin is extremely sensitive. Therefore, a baby’s diaper, which covers him/her for hours at a time, must be designed with comfort in mind. Adult diapers follow the same basic pattern: the genitilia is a sensitive region; therefore the product must not cause any undue irritation. Diapers, if not worn for too long a period of time (as to avoid the buildup of body heat) are soft and quite comfortable.

3. Vicariously Reliving Childhood
Not everyone had an easy time of it growing up. Most of us recall incidents, as boys and girls, when we were tormented, teased, taunted, humiliated, outcast and ridiculed. For some, these incidents happened with horrifying frequency and left too great a stain for the passage of time to so easily wipe away. Others may have seen their childhood marred by tragedy, such as the loss of a friend or loved one or even physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Due to these and other reasons, an adult may feel cheated out of the happy childhood they felt they deserved. They may don diapers in an effort to vicariously relive that childhood under more pleasant circumstances. Age play, in this sense, is ritualistic and highly symbolic. If, for instance, an AB had a father who was negligent and abusive towards her, then it would be very important for her to find a “daddy” who is warm and attentive. Let it be known that this choice to regress is made consciously and should not be confused with a schizophrenic break from reality.

4. Escaping the Pressures of Adulthood.
For some of us, misery hits later in life. We might have a difficult, unsatisfying job or an excess of responsibilities. We might find ourselves alone and desolate, wondering what the hell went wrong. These concerns often precede a personal crisis or push us into making an otherwise foolhardy decision.

Here, regression acts as an escape valve from built up pressure and offers a person mired in a less than ideal adulthood to “return” to a happy childhood, free from the responsibilities that burden them. Instead of caring for kids or companies, an AB might long to be cared for himself. Again, this practice is ritualistic and symbolic; no actual transformation takes place and the responsibilities are not obliterated (merely set aside for a time).

5. Control

Regardless of an individual’s past or present circumstances, they might find themselves drawn to diapers because of an internal motivation, such as control. There are those who seek to gain control, those who seek to lose it and those who seek a balance in between.

Those who seek to gain control succeed as caregivers. In assuming the role of a mommy/daddy, they gain authority over their AB charge. They may find themselves dictating dress, eating and even control over bodily functions.

Conversely, those who like to lose control account for many AB/DLs. In essence, by even putting on a diaper, one concedes to themselves that they lack the necessary control to use a toilet (this may or may not actually be the case). By having a mommy or daddy to look after them, their control is further relinquished and they are, to an extent, helpless. It is important to distinguish a state of helplessness from a state of abuse. In the former, control is given voluntarily and can be regained. In the latter, there are no such assurances.

These are but a few of the reasons people have for diaper-wearing. Some may partake in the practice to indulge a partner; others simply because they are adventurous. People have worn diapers as pranks or as parts of costumes or because they found themselves in a situation where restrooms are not easily accessible. There are a variety of reasons, and to each their own.

My Contradiction

As of this writing, I am 19 years old and about to enter my third year of college. I am Caucasian, of average height and build and come from a middle-class family. I reside in the northeastern United States. I have been diagnosed with no serious illnesses, be they physical or mental, and have never been convicted of a crime. I am not the victim of any form of abuse.

Those who know me describe me as quiet, cynical, creative, witty and humorous. I enjoy writing, reading, and watching movies. I follow, but do not play, sports. I do not believe in lasting love nor do I think I’ll necessarily be saved. Responsibility is a sign of power to me and I often welcome it. I do not back down from challenges easily and can be quite competitive when I care about what’s at stake. I understand logic and will listen to reason, even if I disagree with the point being presented. By many accounts, my life is not terribly unbalanced, my ship not woefully off course. As I further my adult life, I should be looking forward, not back. My future awaits me, not the past.

Why, therefore, do I number myself among the DLs? If you have been reading up to this point, perhaps you can tell me. Or, not.

1.) I find diapers, both on me and a female, to be sexually stimulating. I cannot explain this any better than another person could explain why the smell of cookie dough or the feel of velvet turns them on.
2.) I find diapers to be physically comforting, if not worn excessively.
3.) My childhood, though not terrible, was marked with its share of misfortune (namely, ridicule directed at me coupled with concerns over my ability to interact with my peers). I do not use this as “an excuse”, but merely an insight into why the concept of an idealized, simulated “second childhood” is appealing. This is no reflection on my parents and should not be seen as a failure by them in any way.
4.) As I mentioned, I welcome responsibility. I welcome it to the point where it becomes burdensome and it becomes difficult to avail myself of that burden. In essence, it becomes difficult for me to relax. While I would not willingly cast that responsibility away (after all, I chose to bear most of it for a reason), the ability to set it aside for awhile appeals to me. Though wearing diapers alone does nothing for me in this regard, age play very well might.
5.) Control, particularly self-control, is intrinsic to my existence. I am not a violent person, but I, like many in today’s world, am possessed of violence thoughts. I must constantly be able to control myself or else risk injury to myself or another. While the actuality is far less dramatic than a ‘ticking time bomb’ metaphor might suggest, the constant need for self-control can halt enjoyment and self-exploration.
This need for control produces both a need to relinquish control and, ironically, a need for more control. On one hand, it is appealing to allow myself to lose some amount of control by giving it to another. If I am put back in diapers and babied, that is less for me to worry about. On the other hand, I seek out control much in the same way I do responsibility. If I have say over when a DL partner gets her diaper changed, it is empowering. Thus, here a contradiction exists within a contradiction.

A number of valid questions can be raised, but they can all be summed up as one: how can I live a contradiction? How does my desire to move forward sit with my desire to regress? How can I both pursue responsibility and refute it? Is the end result gridlock, a zero-sum gain?

I wrestled with the answers to these questions for quite some time and the answer I produced was so remarkably simple that it caused me frustration for not realizing it sooner. What enables me, and others, to live this contradiction is balance. The time-honored concept of moderation keeps the checks in place. It would be wholly inappropriate (not to mention foolhardy) for me to put on a diaper right now and declare that I wished to live as a baby for the rest of my days. Likewise, would it not be just as false a move for me to deny this side of me forever?

I had attempted to purge myself of this desire. I saw it as a weakness and a threat to that power I crave and hold. It did not then occur to me that we are all bound by contradictory desires in one form or another. While it would be a great travesty if these desires consumed us, to turn a blind eye to them would be a bold declaration of self-loathing and defeat. Only once recognized and accepted can these desires be conquered. Come to terms with yourself and the “contradiction” thrust down upon you by conventional wisdom will cease to be.

Footnote
It should be noted that when I say coming to terms, I do not mean making a spectacle of yourself. People (due either to the insecurity they have regarding their own contradictions or because they are genuinely offended) are not likely to understand. Besides, nobody likes a braggart.

AB/DLs come in all shapes and sizes. The majority are Caucasian, male, and heterosexual. They may also be homosexual, female and/or any variety of ethnicities.

Wearing diapers, in and of itself, is a harmless practice. Care must be taken not to leave them on too long (especially if wet), less skin irritation/diaper rash ensues. Additionally, continual use may lead to eventual incontinence.

If diapers are unavailable, towels may be substituted. Be forewarned that this is good for a temporary fix at best.

The final contradiction: I hate reading essays like this on the topic because they always seem so superficial and idealized. Oops.
8/03